The Lighter Side of Sports
football
Ben Roethlisberter or Rapelisberger accused of second rape in year…
Mar 8th
Big Ben is on a mission to prove that not only can NBA stars get away with raping. After seeing how well off Kobe Bryant is now 5 years removed from his Colorado raping, Big Ben said “I will double Kobe and be twice as powerful.”
Ben said that if he gets away with a second raping he should be the most celebrated Rapist ever because of his past rape charge. He equated it to committing a second bank robbery when you already had a “Most Wanted” poster in the same bank you were holding up a second time.
Mr. Roethlisberger said he would cooperate with cops and investigators but only if they would specify which rape they were talking about during questioning.
Big Ben might be resorting to this raping behavior because of his upbringing. He recently told a close confidant that “My mother never loved me, she always said she wish she was raped by another woman.”
NFL will have an Uncapped year this season….
Mar 2nd
No Rules in 2010 means Refs can knock players the fuck out....
As cool as it sounds, this offseason will be real ugly the way the talk around the NFL camps are. Since the owners and NFL PA could not reach an agreement, the 2010 season will be uncapped, meaning there is no restrictions on the cap number for this season.
The problem is, there is no floor for this season either so teams can spend as little as 80 million dollars to field an an entire football team, about 35 million less then previous seasons floors. Majority of teams will be spending less then they were in previous offseasons, thus meaning less money for free agents this offseason and less child support payments for many of the children of NFL players.
So big name players like Brandon Marshall and Julius Peppers will make less then they would have but the funny thing is: the rookie pay scale will remain EXACTLY like it was. Yep, crappy teams picking in the top 10 will still shell out 50 million bucks plus to secure the rights to the Jamarcus Russells of the world.
Talk about unlucky, the St. Louis Rams have the number one pick and are trying everything in their power to move down 4 spots so they don’t have to pay some dude named Nmadddduidduidodi Suh the equivalent to all the Haiti money raised. It’s funny how someone with such a simple surname is given such a wild first name.
Dad: Lets name him Pooki Suh
Mom: Na, that’s way to simple. We need something like Namdkudiosoirs Suh, has a nice ring to it.
The first pick will have to get about a 60 Million dollar deal, and in a year where teams are cutting back, who really wants to pay a DT all that money? The Rams know they are going to be picking in the top 3 next year too. Anyways this off season will be the NFL’s version of an MLB offseason where there are 3 teams that will acquire talent to really improve and about 22 teams looking to cut back and stay afloat while the owner is pulling in cash hand over fist. After all the NFL is a business and no cap means more money to the greedy owners.
Eli Manning Gets It!!!
Feb 24th
Eli Manning won’t take broke hospital’s money
By MJD
St. Vincent’s hospital in New York has a little bit of a debt problem — about $700 million worth, according to the New York Post. They also owed New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning(notes) over $500,000 for marketing work he’s done for them, but Eli, aware of their debt problems, told them no thanks. He wants them to keep their money. He’ll continue doing fund-raising work for the hospital for free, too.
Obviously, it’s the right thing for Eli to do. What kind of person — especially one with Eli’s money — would demand that a bankrupt hospital keep paying him, especially when they’re already cutting salaries and jobs? “Shut down your Oncology ward! The quarterback needs his money!” No, that’s not quite Eli’s style.
Unfortunately, it might be too late for Eli to escape bad publicity for having already accepted a good chunk of change from the hospital. A separate New York Post article quotes WFAN sports radio and e-mails to the newspaper blasting Manning. Before agreeing to release St. Vincent’s from their obligation, Manning had already made over $500,000 from them. Here’s one of the e-mails:
“This is probably why they [St. Vincent's] are going down to begin with … Eli should have returned all the money he took … and then dedicate himself to saving a MUCH NEEDED HOSPITAL!!! What a shlump!”
Perhaps Manning wasn’t aware of the hospital’s financial problems when he took their money to begin with. He had a marketing deal with the hospital. They signed up to give him that money. It’s not like he held them up at gunpoint and started demanding cash or something.
It just seems like this was all a poorly-timed and poorly-executed deal from the beginning, and I’m sure Eli will do what he feels is right.
ESPN is Pranked….Awesome!
Feb 24th
Hey kid since we almost killed ya take a stick….
Feb 18th
Yeah who needs to call a medic or something his 5 year old skull was only smashed by a pane of glass. Everyone knows hockey sticks are the #1 cure for head trauma.
Pane of glass to head=Hockey Stick
Zamboni running over child=Full Jersey with signed skate
These were all part of the collective bargaining agreement in the last strike.
NFL rivaling the NBA’s 2010 Free Agent Class with….
Feb 11th
Kyle Orton AND Matt Moore as the cream of this years free agent NFL Quarterback class. Yep, if your a team in need of a savior at the QB position either Moore or Orton are available!!!
Moore had to inform the league that:
A) He was in the NFL
B) He had a contract that would be expiring
C) He did not want to get the franchise tag from the Panthers calling it “Insulting”
Ok I made up the last part because you can only franchise a player who more then 17 people knew was playing in the NFL, that is a rule but it’s explained with some technical jargon that I didn’t include.
Speculation is that the Orton demand will be going buck crazy this offseason with as many as 2 teams believed to be seriously interested in Kyle Fucking Orton as their savior. Lebron, Wade, Bosh, Amare, NBA eat your heart out, you don’t have a player with the credentials or mustache as Mr. Orton.
Maybe this is the reason for the looming NFL strike in 2011, look at the free agent class of offensive players this offseason:
Lendale “whale” White, Leon Washington, Steve Breaston, Kevin Walters, Jaari Evans, Leron Mcclain
No jokes these were the BEST of the bunch, that’s like choosing the best of the 2009 Lions squad. So if your a fan of the ten teams who routinely strive for 4-12 seasons, unless Peyton Manning, Drew Brees or Brett Favre become eligible in the NFL draft this year, it’s gonna be another long season……
When is the NFL Pro Bowl?!
Feb 1st
I tuned into some Football game on ESPN last night thinking it was the All Star game for the NFL. Turns out it was some weird practice or something with no tackling allowed and mandatory 4th down “go for its” throughout.
Not sure when the real Pro Bowl starts since last nights game had Vince Young and David Garrard quarterbacking. There is no way these guy made the probowl. No way…How did they get in?
Is there some sort of NFL Craigslist where the NFL posts about positions needed ASAP for a Quarterback in the Pro Bowl? That’s the only way they get into that game.
I can imagine the conversation went like this:
AFC Commissioner: Ok we need to get 3 QB’s for the roster, who we got?
Some Exec: We have Peyton in Super Bowl, Rivers can’t play because he has more important stuff do to like walk his dog. Brady is busy practicing for his next couple GQ covers.And like 5 other QB’s declined invites saying they did not want to ever play under Norv Turner.
AFC Commissioner: Damn, we need 3 people ASAP, quickly Johnson, get on the Craigslist and see who wants it…
REALLY, Garrard and Young?! With them in the game, the NFL might as well have held a contest to have a few fans play WR in the game. Having them in the game is as big a joke as I have ever seen in an all star competition. Even bigger then Iverson in the NBA or baseball having the one man from each team rule which obligated some clown reliever from Kansas City each year to take an All Star trek to have 50,000 fans ask “who the fuck is that?”
Leinart to fill Warner’s void in Arizona…..
Jan 31st
Warner to Leinart is like Jordan to Hersy Hawkins, but Hawkins was a lot better then Leinart is.
It’s kind of funny how the Cardinals are going from a grocery packin college nobody who made it in the NFL after being anonymous for years, to a a guy who was the most celebrated college athlete and when he had the spotlight on him in the NFL has been nothing but a bust.
Sure it’s still early enough that Leinart could actually be more then what he has shown in his previous starts, but the leash won’t be too long until the Cardinal fans will be echoing for the good ol days of Jake Plummer!
Favre to decide whether or not he will flip flop this offseason.
Jan 28th
Its that time of year again. The fans are locked in, the media covering the event and breaking down all angles, even the president makes his pick.
WWBD… What Will Brett Do?
It started at the end of the 06 campaign when he decided to stay undecided till late august. Again after 07, throwing an interception as his last pass didn’t sit well with him, after retiring twice and prematurely donating his throwing shoulder to save a young mans life Brett decided that wasn’t the way wanted to go out. he promptly unretired again and demanded his shoulder back. Too bad he would have identical fate with the Jets in 08 after throwing his last meaningful pass to the Dolphins defense (in a big spot with minutes remaining. he would throw an incomplete hail mary afterwards as his last pass of the year). The fans were then treated to yet another special treat, a summer of indecon. The 09 finale took the cake; the riverboat gambling gunslinger showed his true colors(if your tallying they include 2 shades of green and purple so far) and gave away the chance to return to the Superbowl.
This offseason Brett is unsure whether he will be unsure. when asked if he would drag the decision’ to come back or not’ or not Brett said “Maybe”. the early indication is that he is still feeling the affects of a long season so its too early to tell if he really wants to stay undecided or ifs a feeling that will pass once he gets away from the daily grind. Obviously this is a difficult process for the 2 time Superbowl champ. I sat down with Brett for a sportsclown exclusive and tried to get him to tip his hand “It would be easy to tell yall what i think about making a decision and stickin with it based on how i feel today but who knows i may just change my mind…what was the question?”.
Big Daddy — out
