The Lighter Side of Sports
Sports You don’t care about
German speed skater finishes 4th place for 15th time!
Feb 16th
http://www.bild.de/BILD/news/bild-english/sport-news
This is an actual quote from the unlucky skater
After the race in Vancouver she moaned: “Sh*t! Sh*t follows me wherever I go! I made no mistakes, I’m endlessly disappointed.”
Sarcastically she added: “Winning all my fourth places has always been a close call.”
She is like the Dan Marino of Speed Skating only she doesn’t make any money and she speaks proper English
Are You Jokinen?!
Feb 2nd
With the ability to focus each eye on separate parts of the net Jokinens patented cross eyed stare keeps goalies guessing
The Rangers acquired winger Olli Jokinen from one of the canadian teams (thats right they dont matter). TheSportsClown was ready with this story yesterday but couldnt break it till it was official. I asked Rangers current General Manager and future scapegoat for another disappointing season what the holdup was, “Well we really dont trust canadian doctors so we wanted Olli to get a physical from somebody with a license to practice medicine here in the U.S. but he got held up at the border” he later added “F—in customs!” Jokinen brings to the rangers what so many before him have brought; false hope. Has he put up good numbers in the past? Yes. Has he shown an ability to stay healthy through a season? Yes. will he continue to do both? “No” says the 31 year old Fin(landian… Hes from Finland) adding, “i look at this organization and their history and i am excited to get the chance to dissappoint New York like the greats have before me”. Jokinen seems like he will fit right in.
Rangers look to break 15 Year old scoreless streak.
Jan 27th
Hey everyone,
This is my 1st post here at the sportsclown, I’m as nervous as i was the 1st time i had sex and just like then I’m sitting in a dark room all by myself. You may recognize my lesser known works under the fictious name Peter Gammons on espn.com but you can start finding me exclusively here at Thesportsclown.com thanks to a multi year deal that includes medical insurance from the Mets, my choice of weapon from Gilbert’s arsenal, and a stipulation that will have Zach Pappidakis do play by play of my everyday life. “OHHH! He completely destroyed that burger! Mercy!” Thats something money cant buy.
Speaking of things that money cant buy, enjoy the following:
Obviously this is these are the proudest moments in Rangers history but if you refer to the 7:55 mark of the video you will see the last goal the Rangers have scored. Considering the list of high profile goal scorers brought in to break this streak (Gretzky, Lindross, Bure, Kovalev, Jagr, Shanahan, Holik, Gomez, Drury, Gaborik) it is simply amazing that this record still stands. While they have been shut out by the likes of Patrick Roy and Martin Brodeur, they have failed to crack such established netminders like Petr Varlamov and Mike Brodeur (martys cousin in only his 3rd start), even failed to score against the oilers who lost both goalies to injury and played 2 periods with an empty net (look it up). Outside of the New Jersey Nets consecutive attendanceless record spanning the last 17 years this goal drought is one of the most impressive in all of sports and will certainly stand for a long long time.
Big Daddy — out
![bull_riding[1]](http://thesportsclown.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/bull_riding1.jpg "bull_riding[1]")
Sports you don’t care about…
Jan 26th
Bull Riding
Bull riding, the hard way to become sterile. Once again a retarded sport contribution to America by rednecks. How this retarded sport ever started I will never know. For those of you who have a life or your parents aren’t siblings, here’s the basic premise. Some inbred moron who has a death wish tries to ride a bull who has no interest in letting someone ride him, how they score this crap I don’t know and don’t care. Basically this guy has to last as long as possible up to 8 seconds. After his 4 second run the announcer asked Cephus Jones’ girlfriend whet she thought of the run, she said, “he lasted 2 more seconds than when we had sex, i’m so proud of my baby brother”.
The best part of the bull ride is after the idiot is thrown 20 feet into the air and lands on his face that’s when the pissed off bull tries to kick, gore and beat the crap out of these guys. I always find myself rooting for the bull. But don’t worry they have rodeo clowns who run in to distract the bull so the moron could get away. This is stupid since we finally have a chance to rid society of this retard but other retards are there to save him, crap. I don’t understand, what sort of idiot decides to be a rodeo clown, were all the positions for crash test dummies taken?
Being a professional bull rider is not easy, you literally have to break your balls to make a decent living, lucky them and us they won’t be having kids. So while these guys ride crazy bulls and have a brush with death, paralysis and brain damage, the rest of us just don’t care.
![Sumo%20Wrestlers[1]](http://thesportsclown.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/Sumo%20Wrestlers1.jpg "Sumo%20Wrestlers[1]")
Sports you don’t care about…
Jan 25th
Sumo Wrestling
Sumo wrestling has got to be the best sport to have never made it in the U.S. With 1 out of every 3 people being obese, many people would be able to join the sport. Imagine average fat joes being pro-sport players instead of playing world of Warcraft in their parents basement,while jerking off to Star Trek. People like Michael Moore who have nothing better to do with their time other than bash their country can keep busy pushing other fat people.
The dictionary defines Sumo as “A Japanese form of wrestling in which a fighter loses if forced from the ring or if any part of his body except the soles of his feet touches the ground.” The sport started when 2 fat guys saw a doughnut on the floor and started a shoving fight to see who would get it, eventually one fell on the doughnut and well lets just say that guy enjoyed his pancake. But the sport was born and since then young Japanese boys start fattening up in order to be able to compete in Sumo matches. Sumo’s are also said to be responsible for getting rid of godzilla, after seeing people who were bigger than he was, godzilla went to his lair and commited suicide, screaming “They took my job”.
The only thing I don’t get is the thong diaper, what the hell is up with that. I’m thinking the biggest butts in the world should wear some pants, who do they think they are Lindsey Lohan? Also a sports bra wouldn’t hurt, if their boobs sag to much they will lose only cause their boobs touch the ground, but thats up to them.
Sumo’s have had a major impact on the world in other ways though. Remember the tsunami, Sumo did a cannon ball in the ocean. The earthquake in Haiti, Sumo fell off his bed while sleeping. Global warming, Sumo farted. President Obama, Sumo took a crap.
Bottom line is Sumo wrestling didn’t catch on like other Japanese things like cars, sushi and SARS, so we just don’t care.
![fishing-funny[1]](http://thesportsclown.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/fishing-funny1.png "fishing-funny[1]")
Sports you don’t care about…
Jan 25th
Fishing
Fishing. Now that’s a sport for real men, who have nothing better to do with their time, or rednecks as we like to call them. From game fishing to fishing tournaments the “sport” has many different aspects to it. For those who think fishing as a sport is just about catching the biggest fish, boy are you right. You really only need about a third of a brain and basic use of your hands to be a professional fisherman.
Now following this “sport” is a different matter, you don’t need a brain at all and it helps if you are drunk or high when watching a fishing tournament; the best part about it is if you pass out for a few hours when you wake up nothing will have changed, the guy will still be in his boat waiting for a fish to bite, he might even be sleeping too. Watching fishing is like watching 2 turtles humping, something will eventually happen it’s just gonna take awhile.
The funniest things about televised fishing tournaments are the announcers, boy do I feel bad for them they have to try and make something so boring interesting. When nothing is happening they try and explain the fishermans’ strategy, as if there’s a strategy other than put worm on hook, put hook in water, and wait.
Basically fishing is the perfect sport for rednecks since its minimal work, you don’t need to be smart or have any particular skill, and best of all you can be stoned and hammered while you do it, sounds like something the nets would be interested in. For the rest of us, we just don’t care.
